We told you we’d get you video of Urban Meyer blowing up on the reporter, and thanks to our viral society and some quick posting, we got it once it hit YouTube. If I were at this mini-powwow, I might find the closest toilet and give Mr. Meyer the swirly of a lifetime and show how us real bullies keeps it real

Ladies and gentlemen,I present to you the biggest D-bag in college sports. Also the first-ever Kegs ‘n Eggs TOOOOOL of the week.

There are plenty of tools out there, but there aren’t many that can say that they are THE biggest tool. Well, up into this point there are none, because this is our first segment but you get what I’m saying.

In what will be a Thursday tradition from this point on, we are awarding Urban Meyer the first ever Tool of the Week award. (Loud applause, confetti falls, Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer exchange ass pats, etc).

Tool of the Week considerations include: Being a massive a-hole, embarrassing yourself on a local or national level, coming off as a “tough guy” or bully, doing something incredibly stupid on or off the field from a mental or physical standpoint, and finally committing a crime/violation and getting caught.

Looking at our first winner, he exhibits many of the following traits.

Meyer got into it with a reporter at spring practice today and came off like a bully looking for your Milk money. His heart didn’t explode<——-BONUS, but he really had no right to confront Orlando Sentinel reporter Jeremy Fowler the way he did.

This stemmed from the quote earlier this week from his wideout that referred to John Brantley a real quarterback, thus taking a big, steamy dump on Tebow’s legacy. Meyer was upset with how the whole thing went down, and has more or less accused the reporter of taking things and running with it.

Sticking up for teammates = good. Calling a reporter a “bad guy” and trying your scare tactics on him in a public setting = FAIL/TOOL.

Let us not forget the whole retiring, not retiring, away from the Gators for four days leave of absence. While I hate to involve more than one boner action when crowning the Royal Tool, Urban Meyer is an exception in week 1.

We will provide a better video once it hits YouTube, but for now let’s congratulate Urban on being one hell of a tool, and out first TOOOOOOOOOOL OF THE WEEK.

For the second straight day an SEC team has been naughty. And guess what? Nick Saban is once again kind of, not really, but somehow still involved (at least in my mind).

LSU conducted an internal investigation and has since admitted violations that stem around improper phone calls, transportation, and summer housing for one player. That player is non-factor wideout Akiem Hicks.  These allegations were sent over in a 50-page report to the NCAA. How someone could possibly write fifty pages on something someone could probably describe in a few paragraphs is another story – but it happened.

Hicks never played in a game and his scholarship wasn’t renewed after the 2009 season. This means that there is no way to forfeit any games because, well, he didn’t play in any. This is just another part of the heinous NCAA Sanction handbook which is about as handy as this 50-page report that was written.

The question I have is why not do this with someone who doesn’t suck. “Ah Mr. Shepard, here is your uniform which we will retire  upon your departure junior year and a purple Range Rover to boot. Don’t worry, you won’t get caught, Mr. Landry was given the same treatment. Hot towel?”

I mean, why put yourself at risk with anything but a sure thing? Not to insult Hicks, but a JUCO wideout isn’t exactly the guy that I want to put my ass on the line for. Wait that actually is to insult Hicks. Opps. In fact, he (or “you” if he’s reading this) should be grateful with the whole free education thing.

In any event, LSU is on top of things and their 50-page confession is on its way to be reviewed. I suppose this is the way to handle things if you’re a big school that knows you’re going to get caught. Just tell on yourself, sell out a wideout coach and a bad player, and move on. I’d love to insert a Les Miles joke here, but I just don’t have one.

Instead I’ll embrace the positive message that he and LSU are sending. If you get caught, own up early. Write a huge ass paper that won’t get read after “We’re sorry th-” and presto. If you don’t, you might have to forfeit victories (oh the horror), pay cash money, or even see your scholarships reduced. Plus you probably won’t be able to give away Range Rovers and provide free housing without paying off the right people.

That would create a fair, more appropriate recruiting system. And they simply cannot have it.