Welcome Back, Football: Tailgating Dos and Don’ts: 3.0

By Adam Kramer   Aug. 30, 2011

We’re turning our focus to important matters.

There’s actual football this weekend, which means many of you will be dusting off your tailgating shoes for the first time in 2011. Although most of you are experienced tailgaters with years of trial and error under your belt, there are still far too many people that don’t maximize their Saturday mornings because they may falter in certain tailgating departments.

For the third year in a row, we’re taking a look at Tailgating Dos and Don’ts. We’ve expanded our list, covered other areas and tried to encompass a small taste of each and every part of the day that needs to be accounted for. Consider us the small, partially intoxicated angel wearing a 1997 t-shirt slouched comfortably over your left shoulder telling you oh so kindly when to flip your bone-in rib-eye.

It’s been one hell of an offseason but football is here. Celebrate accordingly be doing it up big at whatever tailgate you might attend.

Cheers.

DON’T get a public urination ticket. They are not an option. If you’re going to relieve yourself in the outdoors, be sure to use extreme caution and care when checking for potential officers on duty. And for the love of everything watch out for bike cops. They’re silent killers.

DO bring an extra battery for your cell phone. It’s a long day, and you won’t be able to stay updated on all the action if you’re only working with one measly smart phone battery, especially if your first beer has been cracked around the time the sun gets up. Which it should. On that note, file that under DO as well.

DON’T be the guy that yells wildly at every piece of remotely impressive tail that walks by. We get it. You’re intoxicated and you want everyone (mainly females) to know just how drunk you are. It’s embarrassing, and frankly there isn’t room at any tailgate for this kind of douchebaggery.

DO taunt the other fan base but do so creatively and without anger. Telling someone that they suck is unacceptable. Telling someone that their team sucks because their quarterback is fond of arm punts or their kicker looks like a division 3 lineman, however, is encouraged.

DON’T wear sandals. We’ve all learned this the hard way, yet time and time again I see novice tailgaters make this mistake. I know they’re comfortable, I know they look great with your stylish cargo shorts, but exposing your feet to this day-long grind that is a proper tailgate is inhumane.

DO bring a football. It’s old school, you’ll likely lose it and you may not throw it throughout the entire day. In the instance you do want to throw it, though, you’ll be thrilled you brought it along.

DON’T be the sorry soul that is forced to drive to the actual tailgate. Chances are your car will be scratched, dented, vomited on, and perhaps ticketed. If your an owner of a pickup truck, make sure it has to conveniently visit the shop that weekend.

DO set a double, perhaps even a triple-alarm for that morning. It’s going to be early and there’s a high probability that you’ll be hungover. This means one alarm just might not cut it. Also be sure to set your phone to the most annoying wakeup sound you have possible. You need multiple, gut-wrenching reminders of just how important this day is.

DON’T take your shirt off. Ever. We get it; you work out and might be interested in “getting some rays.” Unfortunately, however, no one cares to see your shiny torso or that sweet new tribal armband tattoo that doesn’t go around your entire arm. If you’re going for the “I don’t care, check out my beer gut approach,” your attempt is admirable, but you, too are a jackass.

DO make sure your cooler(s) are packed to sustain the day. Space and temperature are important, and a poorly constructed cooler can take out both of these in one fell swoop. Ice and perhaps a little bit of water on the bottom is a strong foundation for the entire setup.

DON’T make this the day you break out your favorite “Hipster Obscure Ale.” It’s a tailgate and flavor needs to take a backseat to quantity and price in the brew department. Anything that goes down easy and comes in mass quantity will do just fine.

DO make sure food is prepped ahead of time. The only thing you should have be worried about is firing up the grill and how exactly you want your items of choice cooked. Anything beyond this at a tailgate means clearly you’re unprepared.

DON’T go too hard too early. It’s a long day, my friends, and chugging Jim Beam out of the bottle may impress the 9 a.m. crew for a split second but it doesn’t bode well for the long haul. This day is about sustaining the grueling marathon that is the tailgate. Bad decisions early on can be fatal.

DO have yourself a fantastic time whether you’re tailgating from the parking lot or your couch. We’ve made it, and football is back.

Feel free to add any of your own Dos and Don’ts you’ve come across over the years. Enjoy the season and good luck to all of your teams.

/Raises glass

  • Tailgating
  • 24 Comments


    1. Tuskaloosa
      8/30/11

      DO Make sure you have enough gas for the generator to last the entire game

      Do Think about finding a designated tailgate “watchdog”, someone that stays back while you are at the game and not having to break down early, enabling you to start where you left off before going to the game….


    2. Ty Webb
      8/30/11

      Die in a fire. Your tailgate sounds awful. You’re probably in South Bend.

    3. [...] Football is two days away. Good bye Saturdays for the next 3-4 months. Here is a very important article, Tailgating Dos and Dont’s: 3.0… [...]


    4. Noles76
      8/30/11

      DON’T dump hot coals into a dumpster.


    5. G8erlaw68
      8/30/11

      DON’T wear a jearsey of any type, throwback or otherwise, to your college tailgate if you are over the age of 21.

    6. [...] High Card Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Humping the American Dream Posts: 10 Welcome Back, Football: Tailgating Dos and Don’ts: 3.0 | Kegs 'n Eggs Blog [...]


    7. ChipKelly,DB
      8/30/11

      Do not point at those who wear a jersey or fan T of a rival team that isn’t even playing at the stadium. That would be exactly what they want. This is probably the same guy who tells you he had the ear lobe discs before they were popular.

      Do not play the theme song to Rocky at a loud volume if your team is not an underdog. Context matters.

      Do take a picture of your grill fully loaded. For some reason grill pics help you remember what you did in your blackout.

      Do offer the nearest parking lot attendant a brat or a soda. Kharma is worth 3 points.

      Do have lots of bottled water around. It helps you drink more. It really does.


    8. NitLions
      8/30/11

      DON’T be the idiots spilling into another’s tailgate. Bring more than one vehicle to accommodate all of your guests.

      DO bring multiple beverages with you when standing in line for the bathroom. You’ll need them especially when it’s close to game time (those lines get long).


    9. GilPound
      8/30/11

      DO mooch off of your aunt and uncle’s tailgate when you are too broke to have your own tailgate


    10. Trevor
      8/30/11

      No….Polka….Music….for the love of god. Also, absolutely NO Turkey burgers/brats/bacon. Tailgating is a time for gluttony and debauchery.


    11. ZeroStarRecruit
      8/30/11

      DO pack your flask to smuggle into the stadium. Smuggle them like a human trafficking operation if you have to. Most stadiums are dry, AKA lame, and if they do sell beer, you are probably getting gouged at champagne room prices.


    12. DCantarero
      8/31/11

      DO bring plenty of drinking games: i.e., Velcro darts that indicate what your opponent will be drinking. DO bring Beer Pong tables; DO bring BEER BONGS; DO remember to bring your tickets for the game; DO be the group that everyone flocks too; If you have plenty of food (not drinks), DO offer some Carne Asada tacos to the beautiful ladies walking by, and as the old saying goes, if you cook and give they will come, and come they will.

      Finally DO plan to have a great time, after all its College Football, and we are all young again, at least for the day.


    13. Susie
      8/31/11

      DO NOT for the love of all that is good – take up a million parking spaces to tailgate so that others are not able to find a parking spot at a sold out game!

    14. [...] taste doesn’t hold up on the palate as well as fresh limes. While I do agree with the Kegs N’ Eggs Tailgating Guide that you don’t necessarily need the best beer in town for a football party, I do think you [...]


    15. Madtown
      8/31/11

      Remember to bring cash. If you are buying something on the street from a vendor or just making a quick stop for a pack of smokes, ATM’s usually have long lines or run out of cash. Beer Gardens do not accept debit cards.


    16. Davideee
      8/31/11

      Do drive home drunk.


    17. Davideee
      8/31/11

      I mean don’t drive home drunk.


    18. ExGANGSTER
      8/31/11

      DO leave your wallet in the glovebox until you get home..Just carry some cash with you inside the stadium for ur beer & souvein…sooven….sewven…all the stuff you wanna but with your teams logo on it..Pick-Pockets LOOOVE crowded nut-to-butt crowds.

    19. [...] • Week 1 College Football Tailgating: Dos & Donts [...]


    20. Elias
      9/1/11

      As a huge sports fan and a customer/employee of Dish I just ordered The Tailgater online (check it out at http://goo.gl/vd4M4 ). This is gonna make my pregame experience at Mile High even sweeter. I’ve been waiting for something like this for years!


    21. Andy
      9/1/11

      DO leave your wallet and cash in the glovebox and mooch off your friends all day even though you knew for months the beers were going to be $8.75 a pop! Yea, I’m talking to you, Amy and Scott! We love spending hundreds on ourselves and you too!


    22. 9/9/11

      DO drink a shot glass full of cooking oil before you start drinking…for whatever reason, it allows you to drink easily all day without up-chucking annnnnnnd…will keep you from having a hang-over!

    23. [...] the season starting tomorrow, Kegs ‘n Eggs has your Tailgating Dos and Don’ts: 3.0. Definitely some sound advice that I’m sure some of you could [...]


    24. 8/24/12

      Don’t get drunk and accidentally propose to someone you hook up with.

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