We’re turning our focus to important matters.
There’s actual football this weekend, which means many of you will be dusting off your tailgating shoes for the first time in 2011. Although most of you are experienced tailgaters with years of trial and error under your belt, there are still far too many people that don’t maximize their Saturday mornings because they may falter in certain tailgating departments.
For the third year in a row, we’re taking a look at Tailgating Dos and Don’ts. We’ve expanded our list, covered other areas and tried to encompass a small taste of each and every part of the day that needs to be accounted for. Consider us the small, partially intoxicated angel wearing a 1997 t-shirt slouched comfortably over your left shoulder telling you oh so kindly when to flip your bone-in rib-eye.
It’s been one hell of an offseason but football is here. Celebrate accordingly be doing it up big at whatever tailgate you might attend.
DON’T get a public urination ticket. They are not an option. If you’re going to relieve yourself in the outdoors, be sure to use extreme caution and care when checking for potential officers on duty. And for the love of everything watch out for bike cops. They’re silent killers.
DO bring an extra battery for your cell phone. It’s a long day, and you won’t be able to stay updated on all the action if you’re only working with one measly smart phone battery, especially if your first beer has been cracked around the time the sun gets up. Which it should. On that note, file that under DO as well.
DON’T be the guy that yells wildly at every piece of remotely impressive tail that walks by. We get it. You’re intoxicated and you want everyone (mainly females) to know just how drunk you are. It’s embarrassing, and frankly there isn’t room at any tailgate for this kind of douchebaggery.
DO taunt the other fan base but do so creatively and without anger. Telling someone that they suck is unacceptable. Telling someone that their team sucks because their quarterback is fond of arm punts or their kicker looks like a division 3 lineman, however, is encouraged.
DON’T wear sandals. We’ve all learned this the hard way, yet time and time again I see novice tailgaters make this mistake. I know they’re comfortable, I know they look great with your stylish cargo shorts, but exposing your feet to this day-long grind that is a proper tailgate is inhumane.
DO bring a football. It’s old school, you’ll likely lose it and you may not throw it throughout the entire day. In the instance you do want to throw it, though, you’ll be thrilled you brought it along.
DON’T be the sorry soul that is forced to drive to the actual tailgate. Chances are your car will be scratched, dented, vomited on, and perhaps ticketed. If your an owner of a pickup truck, make sure it has to conveniently visit the shop that weekend.
DO set a double, perhaps even a triple-alarm for that morning. It’s going to be early and there’s a high probability that you’ll be hungover. This means one alarm just might not cut it. Also be sure to set your phone to the most annoying wakeup sound you have possible. You need multiple, gut-wrenching reminders of just how important this day is.
DON’T take your shirt off. Ever. We get it; you work out and might be interested in “getting some rays.” Unfortunately, however, no one cares to see your shiny torso or that sweet new tribal armband tattoo that doesn’t go around your entire arm. If you’re going for the “I don’t care, check out my beer gut approach,” your attempt is admirable, but you, too are a jackass.
DO make sure your cooler(s) are packed to sustain the day. Space and temperature are important, and a poorly constructed cooler can take out both of these in one fell swoop. Ice and perhaps a little bit of water on the bottom is a strong foundation for the entire setup.
DON’T make this the day you break out your favorite “Hipster Obscure Ale.” It’s a tailgate and flavor needs to take a backseat to quantity and price in the brew department. Anything that goes down easy and comes in mass quantity will do just fine.
DO make sure food is prepped ahead of time. The only thing you should have be worried about is firing up the grill and how exactly you want your items of choice cooked. Anything beyond this at a tailgate means clearly you’re unprepared.
DON’T go too hard too early. It’s a long day, my friends, and chugging Jim Beam out of the bottle may impress the 9 a.m. crew for a split second but it doesn’t bode well for the long haul. This day is about sustaining the grueling marathon that is the tailgate. Bad decisions early on can be fatal.
DO have yourself a fantastic time whether you’re tailgating from the parking lot or your couch. We’ve made it, and football is back.
Feel free to add any of your own Dos and Don’ts you’ve come across over the years. Enjoy the season and good luck to all of your teams.