Welcome to the SEC: Missouri’s Spectacular Conference Orientation

By Adam Kramer   Jan. 24, 2012

On Tuesday, Missouri officials met the SEC in Birmingham for their conference orientation. The following is a very detailed description of what took place.

“Welcome to your SEC orientation, Missouri. My name is Michael Bagman, and I’ll be your host today. Mr. Slive wanted to be here, but he’s playing golf with Mr. Spurrier.”

[Missouri officials nod while Michael takes a few simulated golf swings. They look more like baseball swings but no one has the heart to tell him.]

“Before we get started, please help yourself to some complimentary morning moonshine over on the coffee table in the back. FYI, the pig should be ready in a few hours.”

[Every person in the room who is NOT a Missouri official quickly heads towards the table. The group of Mizzou officials simply watch, not moving or saying anything at all.]

“Now, we’re damn happy to have you guys in the league, and we just want to ensure that you’re ready for the things that arise in coming years. This ain’t the Big 12, trust us on that. And you’re going to be dealing with some thi-“

[Door flies open]

[An LSU fan, who is barely clothed and clearly intoxicated, bolts through the door and screams “Geaux Tigers” while running through the room. He quickly grabs the bottle of moonshine in the back. He is then tackled by a man twice his age who was concerned about the moonshine.]

[Mizzou officials sit quietly and watch the entire scene unfold. It is 8:30 a.m. on a Tuesday in the offseason.]

“Now, where were we? The SEC, as you know, has become college football’s premier conference. There is no debating this, folks. Six consecutive championships really do all the talking for us. We’re damn proud of it, but we also want you to know what to expect now that you’re here. Frankly, we just want to make sure we don’t have another Kentucky on our hands.”

[The entire room laughs except for one gentleman who is clearly a Kentucky fan and the Missouri officials who remain motionless and silent.]

“The fact of the matter is our league has become very competitive, and in order to compete with the best, you must act like the best. To help make this point abundantly clear, we’ve brought in Alabama head coach Nick Saban to pass along a few helpful tips. Nick, you wanna join us real quick?”

[Nick Saban opens the front door, and as he goes to close it he rips the doorknob off locking it from the outside. He then puts the doorknob in his pocket and walks to the center of the room. He stays silent for nearly 2 minutes and then finally speaks]

“If you even look at a recruit that is considering Alabama, I’ll kill you. All of you.”

[Nick Saban walks towards the nearest window and shatters it with the doorknob he has only recent obtained. He steps through the shards of glass and leaves the room. The sound of tires being slashed can be heard in the distance. Michael returns to the front of the room.]

“He’s a nice guy, I promise. He’s just really not a morning person. He’s also VERY stressed out considering that it’s so close to National Signing Day and all. He’s got some serious cuts to make!”

[Michael snorts at his own joke although this time no one laughs. The Missouri officials are now all staring at their watches.]

“Before we open things up for questions, we want to assure you all that we understand this is not an easy transition.”

[One SEC official pulls out a cowbell and begins hitting it which causes every Missouri official to jump out of their seat.]

“We don’t expect you to become complete acclimated to this change for at least a year.”

[And another]

“In time, however, you’ll grow to love the SEC.”

[Even more cowbells now]


[Michael now begins playing his cowbell which he was storing in his coat pocket. The Missouri officials look incredibly uncomfortable, but after 2 minutes the cowbells stop.]

“Now, are there any questions?”

[A Mizzou official clears his throat, and for the first time today someone speaks]

“Can you provide us with any necessary information regarding SEC basketball?”

[Silence. Complete and utter silence.]

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    3. stldynamite

      As a Mizzou fan I applaud your creativity! Hilarious stuff!


    4. 1/25/12

      That’s first rate stuff.

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