Alabama’s Recruiting Tactics Revealed, Letter by Letter

Alvin Kamara, a 4-star running back out Georgia, received 105 recruiting letters from Alabama in a single day. This is not a typo, there were over 100 items of mail from the university, and these letters are now in their very own shoebox in Alvin’s house.

Kegs ‘n Eggs has obtained copies of the first seven letters that Alvin received from the university, which certainly opens up some questioning on what the other 98 pieces of mail had to say.

Take note, schools of interest. This is what you’re up against.

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Dear Alvin,

This is Alabama head coach Nick Saban. I just wanted to reach and tell you that we’re taking note of your achievements on the field and in the classroom, and we’re looking forward to building our relationship in the future. Alabama is a storied university with history, character and a fan base that is unmatched by any SEC school. Son, this is where you want to be and we think that the color crimson is something you’ll love to throw on come Saturdays.

Looking forward to talking and perhaps coaching you in the future.

Nick Saban

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Dear Alvin,

Nick Saban again. Listen, I forgot to mention that Alabama won the National Championship just over a month ago. Not sure if you’ve heard about that now as I know just how hectic high school life can be. Anyways, if you want win games, lots of games, you’ll think about us in the coming months.

Talk to you soon, future Tide member.

Nick Saban

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Dear Alvin,

One more thing. Alabama does indeed have a Chick-Fil-A on campus. I wanted to clear that up right from the get-go so we can avoid any confusion going forward. In fact, a spicy chicken sandwich sounds pretty good right now. I think I’ll just walk down the road and grab one. Man, I love this campus.

Nick Saban

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Dear Alvin,

We haven’t heard back from you yet, and I just wanted to make sure you received the prior messages we sent? Ah, wait. I remember now. We hadn’t sent you that message yet meaning you’re now getting this one as well as the others. I’m going to kill someone over this mistake. Not fire them, kill them. And if someone tells me this is somehow my fault, I will kill them also. That’s the kind of intensity you get at Alabama, Alvin. That’s why we win.

Nick Saban

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Dear Alvin,

I just got a really nasty voicemail from Les Miles, Bobby Petrino, Will Muschamp and Mark Richt. They four-way called me and were yelling all sorts of obscenities and making fun of my family and everything. Jeez, can you believe that? Well, anyways this is NOT the kind of thing we do at Alabama, and I just thought I’d share this moment with someone. Still pretty shaken up, actually.

 Talk to you soon.

Nick Saban

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Dear Alvin,

Are you able to sit out a year and then sign with us in 2014? I’m not saying that we’re going to have a “numbers” problem, but there’s a pretty good possibility we’re going to have a numbers problem. We really want you to be a member of our team, but hopefully you’re flexible. The damn NCAA with all their pathetic rules to try and slow us down.

Nick Saban

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Alvin,

I’m going to need an answer from you by the end of the day. I’m an impatient man, and as much as I respect your game on the field, I will not tolerate this kind of indecision. You know how I feel, now I want to know how you feel. Enough bullshit, Alvin. Do you want to be a winner or not?

Nick Fucking Saban