I would much rather craft a drinking game for a horrendous Thursday night ACC football game set on “slappers only,” but the NFL Draft will have to suffice.
I don’t truly mean this (I do), but the NFL Draft will do more than suffice. It’s a football celebration, a time where we can say goodbye to the players we’ve enjoyed for the past three to four years.
It’s also an event conducive for drinking: long as hell, boring a great deal of the time, but oh my goodness we’re talking about football-related matters in April and we have beer. Seriously, this part’s important, and we’ll do our part to get through it entertained, even if we have to entertain ourselves.
The rules are rather simple and listed below. We encourage you to pull up a chair and drink to the awkwardness, the predictable, the emotion, and to the New York Jets doing something horrendous.
Drink one when Roger Goodell is booed. And this should be probably the conclusion of the drinking game because we’re now over the legal limit even thinking about it.
Drink one every time a Big Ten player is drafted in the first round. This one’s for you, designated drivers. Even you can get involved by not getting involved at all.
Drink one for all SEC players drafted. It’s basically the opposite of the Big Ten rule, and I apologize in advance.
Drink one when a player is referred to as “playing faster in pads,” or something along those lines. The translation is that you are indeed slow, my good man, but that doesn’t mean you’re that terrible maybe.
Drink one for all shots of players getting “the call” on their cell phone. Make it five if they look like Jay Cutler below, and LOLOLOLOL let’s just drink one right now because this is damn perfect.
Drink one for all shots of anxiously players slipping beyond their expected draft spo. The opposite of the rule above, and a position I truly don’t envy. It’s like having someone take hundreds and rip them up in front of you forever, and look how awful it turned out for Aaron Rodgers.
Drink one for all trades. It’s a tradition of sorts, and we love tradition. We also love drinking at the thought of general managers holding on tight to that make-or-break 6th rounder. Let it go, bro.
Drink one when a team drafts EJ Manuel in the first round. Clearly someone else has been drinking, and so should you.
Drink one every time the Jets do something stupid. Please take your two drinks now because that’s a given, but be on alert: They can make multiple trade, miss their picks, or even do something so ridiculously stupid we don’t even realize it’s possible yet.
Drink one for every guard drafted. Somehow these large men get undervalued each and every year, and I’m tired of it. Haters gonna hate, and we will hate on the haters with consumption.
Drink one for all overly excited wives and/or girlfriends that make it onto live television. There’s no possible way it’ll top Russell Wilson’s lovely lady friend from a year ago, but anything close should be honored.
Seriously, this will never not be amazing.
Drink one when one of the following is mentioned: reach, upside, coachable, value, great size, lacks size, or THIS GUY RIGHT HERE IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER. This last one is random, and there’s no possible way anyone on television will ever say such a thing.
Drink one when old highlights of Mel Kiper are shown during draft coverage. That hairline hasn’t moved. Slow it down, freeze it, zoom in, do whatever you please. His hair was constructed in a laboratory two miles under the ocean, and it cost $4 million dollars to create.
Related: Drink one when Mel Kiper finally hits Todd McShay over the head with a steel chair. It will happen eventually, and you’ll be happy you have beer on hand.